peepster

Life has not always been easy. When I think of all its disappointments and clever acts of humiliation there are a few moments that come to mind. I am reminded of an ill conceived late night facebook post in which I shared with the world that "I wish I was never born". When I woke the next morning and peeled my face off the key board I found that 13 people had responded by clicking they "like this". After checking failbook to make sure my humiliation wasn't immortalized I quickly removed the comment and spent the morning running up and down my hall way until I felt sick.

I am also reminded of a botched trip to Magic Mountain as a teenager. I seated myself on a roller-coaster and pulled the shoulder guards down to their locked position. I had no idea how vulnerable I had just made myself until I saw a figure rushing towards me. As he came closer I realized this person to be biggest asshole at my school. I tried to squirm out of my seat but with my arms trapped I was totally defenseless. The next thing I remember were the quick flashes of knuckles as they repeatedly made contact with my face. It was only when the ride finally started moving that I was able to escape.

It is difficult to to relive these memories as they make me twitch and squirm whenever they come to mind. The reason I am bringing all this up is because as bad as those memories were they cannot compare to the night I slept in my bed while my camera recorded outside my bedroom window.

Ghouls and Ghosts

My House is haunted not by ghouls or ghosts, but by King Diamond. At first I thought it was cool having something so evil hanging out in my bedroom. In his high piercing voice he could remind me not to break the oath and then we could conjure up some wicked shit. This, however, was before I realized that I would never be getting laid again. It's hard enough to convince a girl to come over when you live with your parents. The last thing I need is the worlds most powerful girl repellant exclaiming how evil we both are.

I'm not the only one either. These two poor kids have it even worse. They are possessed by King Diamond and will probably never get a chance to even interact with a female.

Water World

Pioneers of water doom metal, Confessor, made it possible to slip n slide and piss off your parents all at the same. Two seemingly opposite worlds brought together for only a short moment in time through Confessor's woman like vocals and progressive heaviness. The singer's swim shorts must have incited the most insane pool mosh pit, creating some sort of adolescent whirl pool.

I was benching that, bro!

Its a strange reality that some of us live under. Most people go through their day without being blind sided by an oversized tray of baby powder, but if you're one of the Road Warriors this is a constant threat. Normally, people avoid any kind physical contact with grown men who paint their faces but there is always some asshole who wants to fuck with the Road Warriors.

The surprise mystery guest is something that is normally reserved to bad DJ events and professional wrestling. When I was in 6th grade I went to the local teen center dance which was to include a surprise celebrity guest from Beverly Hills 90210. You can imagine the disappointment we all felt when the celebrity guest was Scott, the dude who accidently shot and killed himself while playing with his father's gun weeks earlier.

Wrestling loves the mystery guest and usually uses a black outline of the wrestler to hype it up, but sometimes it goes horribly wrong. Who thought it would be a good idea to to put a 350 pound man in a Darth Vader mask covered in glitter? Would people not realize that you went to the local halloween shop to create the most devastating wrestler of all time? As if the "Shock Master" was not already destined to fail, he sealed his fate by crashing through the wall during his surprise entrance, falling like a giant sack of glittered turd. Not only that, but he knocks off his Vader helmut in the process revealing himself to be Tugboat. Here is the whole debacle forever chronicled on video.